I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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