handjob tips. give me some.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
