i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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