Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
