im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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