Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We're too hungover to prance.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
