We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
