I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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