Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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