I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
