singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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