my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
barbara walters just said penis...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
