Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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