I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
