was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
