I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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