Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
