so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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