omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
