Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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