Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
