Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
