is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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