i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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