Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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