You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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