i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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