I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
