I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
our cab driver is having phone sex.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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