alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She needs sedatives and a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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