I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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