Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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