i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just invented taco cereal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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