You smell like a Billy Joel song
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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