I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
