Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
