i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
