she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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