I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
