How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
