i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
