He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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