well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
