did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
