My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
