swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
