so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
