The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
