I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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