Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
