the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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