You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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