She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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