I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
