No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
