Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
