i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
